Act 1 Scene 3

HEIRLOOM

By Andrew McCann

ACT ONE : SCENE THREE

The Banqueting Hall, Bertram Towers.

(ENTER ANN and DORIS with mop, scrubbing brushes and a bucket filled with water.)

ANN It's a liberty if y'ask me. Lord Bertram's taken leave of 'is senses.

DORIS Aye- 'e 'as that. Anyone 'oo sacks most of 'is loyal servants an' then takes on a complete stranger at the drop of an 'at, can't 'ave much upstairs, if you know what I mean.

(ENTER APRIL)

ANN....All right, you- I'm in charge 'ere, so y'take yer orders from me- understand?

APRIL Yes- What do you want me to do?

ANN Clean this floor till it sparkles:

APRIL I'll do my best. Where's the mop?

ANN Mop....Mop! She says "mop," Doris- The girl's a born comedian.

APRIL But how can you possibly clean a floor properly without a mop?

ANN Where's ' er common sense? The girl's got no brains! Where was you brought up, in Buckingham Palace?

DORIS Like as not she weren't. 'appen t' King don't take on creeps!

APRIL I don't know what you mean.

ANN "I don't know what yer mean"- Don't play Miss Innocence wi' us. We know your sort. Get down on that floor where yer belong!

APRIL But the mop.

(ANN, taking a mop for herself, passes APRIL a scrubbing brush,)

ANN Mops is fer them what does the leadin'- Scrubbin' brushes is fer the workers.

APRIL Why do you treat me like this? I didn't take their job on purpose. It just happened that I.....

ANN Just 'appened, my foot!

APRIL I was told I could work here, so I came- That's all there is to it.

DORIS There's a place fer folks like you, an' there's a place fer folks o' the likes of us- but there i'n't no place fer the both together.

APRIL I'm sorry.I didn' t realise it meant so much to you. I should never have come here in the first place.

ANN The devil's seen the light at last.

DORIS An' about time an' all.

ANN Well, what're yer goin' t'do about it?

APRIL I'll leave at once.I was a fool to have come here in the first place.(Exit.)

DORIS She can't be such a bad lass, really. She did as we asked.

ANN She couldn't do owt else, could she? We did a grand job there.

DORIS Aye, I think justice 'as bin done.

(Crash! Part of the roof collapses, bringing down rubble and rotten wood.)

ANN What the 'eck: T'he 'ole blessed roof's comin' down:

DORIS Get the 'ell out of 'ere!

ANN 'S okay. it's stopped!

DORIS Phew! It's a miracle we wasn't hurt.

ANN Maybe- but somethin' makes me think it 'asn't finished yet.

DORIS It's a curse from above-that's what it is. It's a curse for the way we treated that lass.

ANN Gerraway!

(ENTER LADY BERTRAM , who is shocked to find the mess on the floor and the hole in the roof above.)

LADY B What on earth is going on in here!

ANN It's the roof, yer grace!

DORIS It's fallen down, yer grace.At least, some of it 'as.

LADY B Goodness, gracious me!

(ENTER LORD B as LADY B calls.)

LADY B Henry!

LORD B : You don't need to shout. I'm here, m'dear.... Good Heavens- what a mess! How on earth did it happen?

DORIS A thunderbolt from 'eaven, that's what did it- a thunderbolt from 'eaven, so 'elp me.

ANN Gerraway:! - a thunderbolt from 'eaven.

LADY B You know, she could be right. The house fairly shook in last night's storm. I think we can safely say that the weather was responsible.

(LORD B. bends down and inspects some of the broken wood, thoughtfully).

LORD B The weather and dry rot....

LADY B Dry rot!

LORD B Most certainly, m'dear. .Take a look at that; rotten to the core.....And the smell!

LADY B Oh, dear. First one thing and then another. Well, what are we going to do about it, Henry?

LORD B We can get this mess cleared up for a start.

(ANN nudges DORIS and they set about their work.)

ANN Come on, St. Doris- before yer get struck by another thunderbolt fer bein' lazy.

DORIS: It's all right t'mock- but there's more t'this!

ANN Oh, come off it! You read too many penny 'orror maggies.

(As ANN and DORIS continue with their clearing up, LORD and LADY B. discuss the situation in the foreground.)

LORD B It's going to cost a bit to have this lot repaired.

LADY B (Worried)): Do you think so, Henry?

LORD B I'm sure of it. It would happen now, just when things were beginning to look on the bright side.

LADY B Well, it will have to be done. It goes right the way up by the look of it. One more storm like last night and we'llbe lucky if we have any house left to have repaired.

LORD B But the money?

LADY B We'll just have to hope it's not going to cost too much. I suggest an estimate before the weather makes the damage worse.

LORD B Good idea. Who shall we get?

LADY B There's a contractor in Littlemarton- He's the nearest, but whether or not he's reliable?...

LORD B He'll have to do.What's his name, m'dear?

LADY B ....Blythe, I think....Yes,that's right.

LORD B Excuse me, m'dear. I'll get in touch with him right away.

(Exit LORD B stage left. ENTER OLIVE and VARIOUS VILLAGERS.)

OLIVE Good afternoon, yer grace.

LADY B Good afternoon, Olive- and what brings you here?

OLIVE Work, yer grace. Me an' my colleagues 'ave decided that you need all the 'elp you can get.

LADY B We'd love you to work for us, Olive- but where's the money going to come from to pay your wages?

OLIVE Money? -'oo mentioned money, yer grace? We're volunteered. In the interests of the community an' yerselves, we decided t' form a volunteer reserve, like.You'll be needin' us-.

LADY B Well, I must admit- but my husband and I wouldn't like to put you to any trouble.

OLIVE Nonsense, yer grace, it's no trouble.An' talkin' about trouble, there's a party of tourists on their way 'ere from the village. Like as not, you'll be wantin' t'get this lot cleared up....Come on, folks.. ..Get weavin' .

(ALL VILLAGERS help to clean up.)

LADY B Goodness me.I forgot all about the visitors. Can I leave you in charge, Olive.There are one or two things I have to attend to before they arrive.

OLIVE Leave everything t'me, yer grace.

(EXIT LADY BERTRAM)

...Come on,folks- Get yer brushes swingin'- Put yer backs into it, an' we'll be ready in no time...That's fine everybody, but where's the new girl?

ANN(Guiltily): The new girl?

DORIS(Guiltily): The new girl?

OLIVE You two should know ‘er if anyone does.

ANN Oh,’er.

OLIVE Quite a girl,that.Y’know, they offered ‘er a wage, an’ she turned it down offerin’ t ‘work fer nowt ,out o’ the goodness of ‘er ‘eart.

DORIS Oh!

OLIVE Aye- surprised me an’ all. There ‘re few folks like that around.

ANN(Tearfully): It’s our fault— We di’n’t mean nowt— ‘onest!

(DORIS begins to cry also.OLIVE watches,puzzled.)

OLIVE What’s the matter? What's come over you two?

DORIS We told ‘er we di’n’t want ‘er sort around ‘ere,on account o’ you lot being sacked!

OLIVE Oh,no!

ANN We di‘n‘t know she weren’t bein paid . Nobody thought o’ tellin’ us that.

OLIVE It’s too late now, I s’pose. Which way did she go?

ANN We don’t know. She di’n’t say.

DORIS She’ll go t’the village, I expect.

OLIVE For your sakes, I ‘ope she does.There ‘s no tellin’ what Giles Bertram 'll say when 'e finds out she's not 'ere.I’d better go an’ find ‘er before it’s too late.

(Exit OLIVE)

DORIS Oh,dear.

ANN It can’t be ‘elped.We weren’t t’know.

(ENTER DAPHNE, looking bad tempered. She approaches a VILLAGE WOMAN, who is busily sweeping up the mess.)

DAPHNE Come here, woman!

VILLAGE WOMAN Yes m’.

DAPHNE Well, put your brush down,woman. Can’t you see who you’re talking to?

VILLAGE WOMAN Yes m'

(The VILLAGE WOMAN puts her brush down.)

DAPHNE "Yes m’ ", yes m'"— What coarse language is that? "Yes, madame "— that is how you address me.

VILLAGE WOMAN Yes m’.

DAPHNE Oh, I give up. It is like speaking to an animal.Well, animal -Can you tell me the whereabouts of Lord Giles?

VILLAGE WOMAN Pardon m’.

DAPHNE Simpleton! Do I have to speak down to you? All right,then...(Speaking slowly, one word at a time.) Can......you. . . . . .tell...... .me......where. . . . .Lord.. Giles .... . is?

VILLAGE WOMAN No m’.

DAPHNE Fool! .....Just wait till I find you, Giles Bertram. (Exit.)

(Her voice is heard off-stage)

Get out of my way! (Suddenly extremely polite) Oh, I am so sorry, Lady Bertram!.

LADY B Oh, please don’t apologise, my dear. It was my fault.

ENTER LADY BERTRAM

LADY B Olive!......Oh, dear,where is she?. . . . Can you stop work now everybody,please? Our visitors have arrived...That’s right, move into the west wing for now?- and thank you all for doing such a difficult job so marvellously well....Hurry up, please.Here they come (Exeunt)

(ENTER STUBBINGS with VISITORS.)

STUBBINGS This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the oldest parts of Bertram Towers, now standing as a monument to all that was glorious in the past.....

LITTLE GIRL ( Indicating the hole in the roof): Mister, what’s that big ‘ole in the roof for?

STUBBINGS Mary Queen of Scots was held captive in this part of the building. Her very words were said to echo from its portals....

LITTLE GIRL Look, Mister- did she escape through that ‘ole in the roof?— Did she? Did she? Go on, tell us she did! Tell us she did!

STUBBINGS (Threateningly) Look- Shut it!

1ST. LADY Fancy talking to a child like that!

LADY Yes, it’s disgusting— Just because he wears a uniform, he thinks he owns the place and everyone in it. That’s what I always say about tram conductors!

STUBBINGS Madame ,when you have quite finished. . . . Thank you...

Mary Queen of Scots is believed to have said of these very walls: "Why do they imprison me in a palace fit for a Queen, when they vow that I am not fitted to be a Queen?"

SCHOOLMISTRESS I am afraid I must contradict you before you say any more, my good man.You are speaking utter rubbish. Mary Stuart is a pet subject of mine and never once have I come across any reference to such a visit here.

STUBBINGS The lady here says that never once has she come across anything that says that Mary Queen of Scots visited here.. I am glad you mentioned that, madame, for I must admit that never once was there anything written to say that the Queen had been here........So well kept was the secret.

SCHOOLMISTRESS Well, if the secret was that closely guarded, then may I ask how you came to find out about the Queen’s visit here and yet the most learned brains in that field of historical research have failed to uncover such a fact?

STUBBINGS Yes, a good question, madame....(Gritting his teeth and struggling to control the urge to strangle her.) Madame is full of good questions.

SCHOOLMISTRESS (Impatiently) Well?

STUBBINGS: Because I observe, madame-. I may not read many books, but I do observe.....

SCHOOLMISTRESS Observe what, may I ask?

STUBBINGS(Indicating scribble on the wall). .This, madame— The handwriting of Mary herself...

SCHOOLMISTRESS (Reading) Kilroy.... .was. . . . .here? Mary did not write this!

STUBBINGS Yes, she did.Who else could have written it, I ask you?

SCHOOLMISTRESS Someone called "Kilroy" perhaps...

STUBBINGS: "Kilroy," madarne— No, it’s not a name— it’s an abbreviation. Short for ‘kilted royalty" was here. 'Er what wore a kilt. Queen of Scots, you see.

SCHOOLMISTRESS Well I never! .....You know you could be right!

STUBBINGS Come right this way everybody, please and see the Chapel once visited by the Pope himself.

(Exit all VISITORS , except for one - A forceful looking woman in her mid-forties, with a pencil and notebook in her hand. She is AGATHA MORLEY, a journalist, famous for her "scandal" articles. She hides behind the tapestry screen, as Lord Bertram’s voice is heard.)

ENTER LORD BERTRAM and ARTHUR BLYTHE. Arthur is an unscrupulous looking fellow in his mid-fifties. He wears overalls and spectacles with lenses so powerful, that they make his eyes enormous. He has the peculiar habit of taking his spectacles off when he wants to see anything. LADY B. ENTERS also.)

LORD B Very commendable of you to come at such short notice, Mr. Blythe, but as you see, it is a matter of considerable urgency.

ARTHUR B Aye-‘tis that, but you’re in quite capable ‘ands, never you fear.

LADY B Oh, I'm sure there is no doubt about that, Mr. Blythe.

ARTHUR B: Arthur- All my friends call me Arthur.

LORD B About the roof, Arthur....

ARTHUR B The roof? What about it? I ‘aven’t come ‘ere t’waste my time talkin’ about no roof! We’ve more important things to attend to. Now, madame- what was your domestic problem?

LADY B The roof, Mr......

ARTHUR B Arthur- All my friends call me Arthur.

LORD B The roof needs repairing, Arthur.

ARTHUR B Yes, now what exactly is wrong wi’ the roof?

LORD B(Pointing upwards) There is a hole.....

LADY B: It collapsed, you see...

ARTHUR B: No, I can’t— What did I do with my glasses?

LADY B: You’re wearing them.!

ARTHUR Silly me- so I am (He takes his spectacles off, screws his eyes up and raises his head in the general direction of the ceiling.) There we are then- Let me see......Ah,it’s collapsed.

LADY B Quite.

ARTHUR B: The ‘ole goes right through the roof !

LADY B Quite.

ARTHUR B There ‘s dry rot an’ all. Takes a real professional to spot that y’know, but when yer’ve bin in the business a few years, yer learn t’smell it. Some never learns. Take my ol’ grandad fer instance. Now ‘e could never smell it, not that ‘e weren’t a professional— eighty six years in the b ‘isness man and boy— but as any real pro’ would tell yer. It’s dry rot.

LORD B: Could we possibly have an estimate, Mr........?

ARTHUR B Arthur- all my friends call me Arthur.

LADY B Could we have an estimate, Arthur?

ARTHUR B: An estimate? -Yes. (He takes out a large blue book.) Let me consult the Year Book.......Three ‘undred an’ fifty quid fer the ‘ole job—"ole" job, d’yer get it?...... Always believe in a sense o’ ‘umour in b’isness.

LORD B: Three hundred and fifty pounds- It’s rather a lot.

ARTHUR B Take it or leave it, guv, but it’s a bargain- Anyone in the business ‘d agree there. There's manpower, equipment, time, materials, an’ periodic camouflage.

LADY B Periodic camouflage! What’s that?

ARTHUR B Well, you’ll be wantin’ it t’look like a period mansion, like as not, an’ not like some twentieth century tenement ‘ouse job. O’ course style will cost yer a bit more, but it’s worthwhile.

LORD B: It’s rather an urgent job. If it is not completed within the next seven days, the whole roof could come down.. . Are you readily available?

ARTHUR B: Aye— but it’ll cost yer an extra fifty quid, seein’ as my mate, Fred, were goin’ on ‘is ‘oliday this week. I think it can be arranged fer another fifty quid.....Aye— fifty quid t’ start termorra an’ cancel Fred’s ‘oliday.

LORD B Oh....very well.

LADY B But , Henry...

LORD B The job has to be done, m ‘dear. I think it' ll work out cheaper in the long run.

ARTHUR B Just as I always say, guv. If a job’s worth doin' , it’s worth doin’ proper or not at all. None o’ this "jerry buildin’" as far as our firm’s concerned. We ‘re craftsmen. It might cost a bit more, but we use all the best materials. It’ll be worth every penny, you’ll see.(Passing a book and pencil to LORD B.)...Jus’ sign ‘ere, guv,an’ there’ll be no lookin’ back.That’s the job signed, sealed, an’ delivery’ll start first thing termorra, provided o’ course, that I can persuade Fred t’cancel ‘is ‘oliday. Well, that’s me lot, Duchess— Tarrah, fer now! (Exit.)

LADY B A bit of a rogue, Henry.

LORD B Maybe, but I'm happy as long as he can do a "patch up "job until our finances have picked up.

LADY B I suppose you're right.

LORD B Let's hope Giles and Daphne announce their wedding date soon. Can't see an oil magnate like Milton sitting back and letting his daughter live in squalor. Especially when she's destined to become the future Lady Bertram.

LADY B That's true, but it 'll be easier to ask him to help out once she's family if you know what I mean.

LORD B I know exactly what you mean.

(ENTER GILES)

.....Oh, there you are, Giles. We were just talking about you.

GILES Nothing bad, I hope.

LADY B Of course not, darling. We were just discussing your engagement to Daphne.

GILES (Uneasily) There was something I wanted to say about that, too.

(ENTER DAPHNE)

LORD B/LADY B Hello, Daphne

DAPHNE Ah, there you are, Giles. I've been looking all over for you. I take it you enjoyed your little stroll in the village.

GILES Very much so, Daphne.

DAPHNE Full of low life. Hardly the place for someone such as I to be seen.

(ENTER AGATHA MORLEY from behind tapestry screen.)

AGATHA M Ah, Lord Bertram. Glad to meet you. Now you don ‘t know me, but I certainly know you.

LORD B Kindly explain yourself, madame.

AGATHA M I write a column in ‘The Daily Globe’- the newspaper that reveals all- No doubt you .have read my articles. I write a column entitled ‘On the Beat with Agatha Morley ‘- I’m Agatha Morley , how do you do? And my column is about people who use the public for their own evil ends .Now It has been brought to my notice that you- I am not allowed to reveal my sources I might add.-It has been brought to my notice that you have opened this house to the public and that your so-called ‘Official Guide’, a man by the name of Stubbings, has been paid to invent the most fantasmagorical tales about the house- How do you plead?

LORD B Plead, madame- I plead that you get out of this house this instant.

:AGATHA M(Writing) "On being challenged, the heartless fiend used threatening behaviour." Is it also true that you intended to marry this poor, innocent girl off to your son, in order to save your family from bankruptcy!

LORD B I said, "Get out!" you unsightly prying minx! Out!

AGATHA (Scribbling away rapidly) Offensive language! Thank you very much!

(AGATHA Is being forced backwards towards the door by LORD B, as she speaks)

LORD B Get out....Don’t let me see your face near here again!

AGATHA All right. . . I have all I want thank you very much. (As LORD B chases her out)....Assault!

(Exit AGATHA MORLEY)

DAPHNE (Stupefied) Giles Bertram, is this true? Tell me, is it true!

GILES True, Daphne?

DAPHNE : Don’t play games with me,Giles. Were you after my money, Giles? Were you? Is that what our engagement was all about?

GILES No,of course not.

DAPHNE (Looking at LORD B and LADY B accusingly) And is your family on the verge of bankruptcy?

GILES Don’t believe what that nosey parker said.

LADY B No, Giles. I think Daphne needs to know the truth.

LORD B We are struggling somewhat financially, due to circumstances beyond our control.

LADY B But we did not manipulate your relationship to assist our cause. What that woman said was a malicious lie, Daphne. Giles is just an innocent party in all this. He met you before he knew anything about our situation. Take my word for it.

DAPHNE Well I don't think your word is good enough, Lady Bertram- and neither is yours Giles Bertram.

GILES If that's what you think, Daphne.

DAPHNE (with venom) Oh, it's what I think all right! And you know what else I think. I would not marry you if you were the last person on this earth! You're penniless and pathetic just like that pitiful scum in the village! Goodbye, Giles Bertram. I never wish to cast my eyes on you again!

(She exits)

GILES Daphne...

LORD B Don ‘t worry, m' boy. Hardly pedigree material. Far too tempestuous for words.

LADY B You’ll be better off without her.

GILES Yes, I know that only too well now. I've been living a lie, thinking I really loved her. But, you know, she gave herself away in the village. The only person in this world that she truly loves is herself. She doesn't give a damn for anyone else!

LADY B You're right. She’s no feelings for you, or she wouldn't have run out on you like that.

GILES I was going to tell you about my doubts before that reporter woman appeared on the scene. But the truth is, my love for her died at that moment in the village when she showed herself for what she really is.....And a new love was born that day...... Yes, April.... It's April who matters to me now..... And she's here in this house where she belongs...Where is she? I must find her.

LADY B Oh, you mean that new girl. The one who refused to be paid.

GILES That's the one.

LADY B She's gone, Giles. This morning, so some of the domestic staff were telling me.

GILES Gone?- But I must find her. Daphne never meant anything to me. I must find April (He exits)

LADY B Poor old Giles.

LORD B No,m’dear.....Did you see his face when he realised that April had gone?

LADY B Yes, I see what you mean. Perhaps Agatha Morley did more good than we realise?

LORD B Maybe -but the woman’s still left a trail of destruction in her wake.

LADY B: There ‘s no Daphne to borrow money from, I suppose...

LORD B . . . . and by the time she's finished her work, there'll probably be no visitors either.

LADY B Oh, Henry...What will we do? What can we do?

LORD B There is one thing we can do- but it ‘s only a hunch. No, let’s call it intuition...I’rn going to call a meeting in the village tomorrow. I have a plan and with a modicum of ingenuity tempered with a preponderance of enthusiasm it might just work.

LADY B You sound convinced, Henry!

LORD B I most certainly am, m'dear.

LADY B Then so am I, even if I haven't got the remotest idea what you're talking about. (Rings urgently)...Stubbings! ....The domestic staff! We’d better tell them at once.

LORD B: Yes, m’dear. I suppose we had.

(ENTER STUBBINGS and DOMESTIC STAFF.They line up.)

LORD BERTRAM All right-Relax all of you. I won’t keep you long. I’ve just brought you together to inform you that I intend to call a meeting in the village tomorrow,to try and save our village....the village that our fathers gave to us.

SONG

The village that our fathers gave to us,

The village that means such a lot to us.

It’s just a family heirloom,

Just a family heirloom,

Heirloom, heirloom

And It means such a lot to us.

The world we would travel far and wide,

Over mountains and the sea.

The world we would travel far and wide,

But our hearts would not agree.

For there’s no place in the world,