HEIRLOOM
By Andrew McCann
ACT TWO: SCENE 1
The Village of Mosshoughton
(ENID, OLIVE and NELLY are sitting on the bench in front of the inn , chatting.)
ENID ‘as Giles Bertram found the lass then, Olive ,love?
OLIVE ‘as ‘e ‘eck as like and a body can’t say ‘e ‘asn’t tried. ‘E were tourin’ all the local villages till past midnight an’ into the early ‘ours o’ this morning.
MOLLY An’ ‘ow’s the poor lad taken it?
OLIVE 'e's a brave one if ever I saw one.
:MOLLY An’ Ann an’ Doris- ‘ow’ re they feelin’ now?
OLIVE: Guilty- Two o’ the longest faces I’ve seen around these parts in a long while.
NELLIE ‘S not surprisin' though,is it?
(ENTER GILES)
OLIVE ‘Ow’s the search goin’ , yer grace?- ‘Ave yer found ‘er yet?
GILES No, Olive. It looks like we ‘ve lost April for good.
OLIVE: Oh,no..Never mind. Keep yer pecker up! .I’m sure she’ll turn up, yer grace. She will, you’ll see.
GILES: I only wish I had your faith, Olive.
(TOM KIRBY comes out of the inn with two shady looking characters:, JAKE and HETTIE HYDE. TOM KIRBY is now wearing a false beard. JAKE and HETTIE are about the same age as KIRBY and as scruffy in appearance. They catch sight of GILES , in hie misery and laugh mockingly.)
TOM Pitiful,i’n’t it? The prince ‘as lost ‘is princess, an’ there’s nowt ‘e can do about it.
HETTIE Except cry 'is dear little eyes out.
JAKE (Assuming a "posh" accent) "Mother dear- I'm all upset because I have lost my girl... sob....sob.... Please help me, mother dear!.....sob...sob..." (As Mother) "There, there, my dear boy. Please don't cry. Your mummsie wummsie doesn't like to see you crying....Go out and find her."
HETTIE (As Giles) "But mummsie, dearest. I've looked everywhere for her and she's nowhere to be found."
JAKE (As Mother) "Then stop snivellin' yer stupid little brat before I belt yer round the ear'ole! ! If yer can't find her, yer can't find her!"
(ENTER PC ANTROBUS, wobbling on his bicycle . He is fortyish and on the portly side. He leans his bicycle against the inn wall and crosses, with the hint of a sailor's roll in his gait, towards OLIVE and her group.)
JAKE ‘'adn' t yer better ‘ide yer face , Tom Kirby, afore the law catches up with ‘ee?
TOM KIRBY ‘Ide me face! (Stroking false beard.) What be this if it i’n’t a new face? It’ll take a pair o’ shears like as not t ‘reveal the real Tom Kirby!
OLIVE An’ ‘ow’s Constable Antrobus this fine mornin’?
PC ANTROBUS An’ ‘ow’ d be you, m‘dear, as dry as a dried-up duck-pond, wi’ nowt but spittle t’ wet yer whistle, an’ a pint pot o’ the finest ale in the north, but an 'air's breadth from yer whiskers?
OLIVE I should never ‘ave asked- ‘Ere ‘ave a sip.
PC ANTROBUS Nay, lass. Not on duty— a copper’as is position t’ think of.
OLIVE Go on- There’s none’ll tell.
P.C. ANTROBUS Must say, I'm tempted- (Succumbing to temptation) Oh, very well.(Drinks) But don’t tell a soul, mind. (Drinks again) . . All. in the call o’ duty, I suppose.
NELLIE Aye -‘elpin’ the public t’empty their pots.
OLIVE Now, seein’ as wiv done you a duty...
P.C. ANTROBUS There ‘s a catch, I knew it. A. body’s not in the force fer twenty years wi’out bein’ wise t’uman nature.Waggle yer tongue,then -What is it?
OLIVE It’s the new lass at Bertram Towers.
PC ANTROBUS Yer mean that April Fife, ‘er what used. t’ work fer Tom Kirby?
OLIVE Aye- that’s the girl- Well, she’s gone missin'
PC ANTROBUS Yer mean...Yer think somethin’s ‘appened to 'er?
OLIVE Nay, nowt like that. Seems rather as she ‘s left the village wi ‘out tellin’ anybody, an’ we want t ‘find ‘er.
P.C. ANTROBUS (Taking out note-book): ‘Alf a mo’, whilst I find me notebook....Ah, now the particulars.
TOM K (To JAKE and HETTIE) Tom Kirby could tell ‘em a thing or two.
JAKE But Tom Kirby i’n’t ‘ere.Tom Kirby don’t wear no beard, do ‘e now?
HETTIE An’ what are yer plannin’ t’do with Little Miss April, Tom, feed ‘er to the spiders?
TOM K Nay, I wouldn’t be so cruel-. To the worms more like.
JAKE An’ ‘ow long do you want us t’go on lookin’ after ‘er in our caravan?
TOM K Ten quid- If yer keep ‘er locked up for the rest of the week.
(PC ANTROBUS crosses to BARNEY LANE , who has just entered the village.)
P.C. ANTROBUS I wonder if I might ‘ave a word or two with yer, young sir? Seein ’ as yer ‘ve an eye fer the ladies, yer the obvious choice.... ‘Ave yer seen April Fife in the vicinity, durin’ the course o’ the last few hours?
BARNEY April Fife- I do believe I knows that name, guv. Isn’t she that bird what sings fer that pedlar man, Tom Kirby?
P.C. ANTROBUS: Aye- That ‘s the lass.
BARNEY She were singin’ in this very place a short while back...Very nice too, I thought.
P.C.ANTROBUS: I know, I know— but ‘ave yer seen ‘er since then?
BARNEY No....Aye- Of course I ‘ave.Yesterday afternoon to be exact. Why what ‘s she done?
P.C. ANTROBUS Never you mind that. . . . An’ where was she at the time?
BARNEY ‘Ere ~ She ‘ad a quick noggin . Aye, me mate Charlie from down Manchester way were tryin’ to chat ‘er up.Of course,’e didn’t get nowhere . She were dead miserable, ‘e were sayin’. Took one look at ‘im, started cryin’ like a mad thing, an’ ran off.... Now I know Charlie's not exactly good lookin'- Face like a pickled gherkin t'be exact. But 'e didn't expect 'er t' run off like that!
PC ANTROBUS Which way did the lass go?
BARNEY Thataway ! Like as not she were goin’ t’ Bertram Towers. A’body can’t go nowhere else down that road, unless she’s a fair mountaineer.
(Exit P. C. ANTROBUS )
(MELANIE LAKE , a film star, dressed in a fur coat, has entered the village and is looking around her, with a fascinated eye. She is in her late twenties. As she enters ‘The Swan’, she meets the VICAR, who is just leaving. He recognizes her immediately.)
VICAR Goodness, gracious me. This is a rare privilege to be sure, Miss Lake.
MELAN1E Likewise ,darling.
VICAR And what brings such a talented and distinguished theatrical star to our humble village?
:MELANIE Well, actually darling, I am paying a nostalgic visit to my birthplace.
VICAR Well I never- Melanie Lake , the famous Hollywood musical star was born in this village. I have lived here for almost forty years, but I do not recall the fact ever having come to light. Come to think of it, I do not recall your living here as a child.
MELANIE You don’ t , darling?. . . Well I most certainly remember you.
VICAR I do not remember a Melanie Lake living here and I am sure I have always known the names of all the village children, because I christened them...Oh dear...
MELANIE Do you remember an Elizabeth then, darling9
VICAR Most certainly we have had a few Elizabeths here in my time. There was Elizabeth Swann, Elizabeth Grant... Oh yes— and sweet, little Elizabeth Tyme to name but a few.
.MELANIE Then you do remember me.I was sweet, little Elizabeth Tyme, darling- Of course, I ‘ve changed a bit since then.
VICAR: Bless my soul...Elizabeth Tyme...Well,well ....Fancy that-.. . . But if you were Elizabeth then, may I ask why you are Melanie now?- With all due respect, of course.
MELANIE Because Melanie Lake is my stage name, dear heart. It looks better in lights. More sophisticated and with a poetic ring to it.
VICAR Of course- A stage name- well, well-Elizabeth Tyme. But you sound so American.
MELANIE That's because I left here with my family for America when I was seven years old. My uncle still lives in the village though. .Of course,he’s getting on a bit now.
VICAR: Jack Tyme’s your uncle then, is he? Well, well- He has indeed kept the matter beneath his bonnet, so to speak.And I trust you have paid the dear gentleman a visit?
MELANIE: No, not yet,darling.I’ll be visiting him later this afternoon. I had the inclination to visit the village first........... And it hasn’t changed one little bit.
VICAR What brings you back to England, Miss Lake?
MELANIE My latest film is being premiered in the West End, so so I just had to visit the old village, darling. I remember,it meant so much to me as a child; and without a shadow of a doubt, I find it equally as enchanting now as it everwas then.
VICAR: Alas....So do we all.....So do we all....
MELANIE Did I sense a note of regret in your voice then?
VICAR: Sad to say you did, Miss Lake.It is my misfortune to be the guardian of bad tidings.
MELANIE Why? What's the matter, darling?
.VICAR Our charming village may soon be no more.
MELANIE No more...but why? What could possibly happen to it?
VICAR: Alas— there is much that could happen to it. Undoubtedly you are unaware of Lord Bertram’s financial dilemma.The Bertram Sewing Machine factory, which was indeed the economic core of this community, is, I am afraid, no more.
MELANIE You mean there is no work?
VICAR: Indeed there is not- Thus all in the village shall be forced to relocate themselves to the towns to find adequate occupations.
MELANIE But something must be done about this. This village is a vital part of the country's heritage.
VICAR That is indeed how we feel. We shall be holding a meeting shortly- this very afternoon, n fact, to decide what we can do.
MELANIE Then I , too, shall attend this meeting, darling, if you have no objection.
VICAR None whatsoever, Miss Lake.
MELANIE I, too, have a personal interest in the village....If you will excuse me, darling, I think I need a stiff drink.
VICAR: Oh , be my guest , Miss Lake. Be my guest.
(EXIT VICAR and MELANIE LAKE into 'The Swan')
(ENTER P.C. ANTROBUS, GILES and APRIL who spots TOM KIRBY and shouts angrily.)
APRIL That’s Tom Kirby!. .. . .That ‘s the man who kidnapped me. (To JAKE and HETTIE) And they’re the people who tied me up! They’re the ones!
(A chase ensues)
P.C.ANTROBUS Stop them!....Don't let them get away!
GILES I’ll get you Kirby! I’ll get you!
(Exit GILES ,P. C. ANTROBUS, HETTIE , JAKE ,TOM KIRBY and SEVERAL VILLAGERS in chase)
APRIL Go on- Get them!
ENID They ‘re getting away!
APRIL Stop them! They're the ones who kidnapped me!
2ND. VILLAGER The devils!
APRIL Giles.....No,Giles.. .. .. .Be careful,Giles.
OLIVE (Comforting APRIL): There ,there, love- Don ‘t worry yerself. . That boy can look after ‘imself......There, there...Come an’ tell me all about it....
3RD. VILLAGER They’ve got one of ‘em!
4TH. VILLAGER By the ‘eck,so they ‘ave!
MOLLY An’ another!
3RD VILLAGER:Just let us get our ‘ands on em!
(ENTER P. C. ANTROBUS, HETTIE , JAKE (Hand-cuffed) and SEVERAL VILLAGERS)
P.C. ANTROBUS: Quit yer strugglin’, yer Devil!
HETTIE Lousy copper.!
JAKE We di’n’t do nowt,copper; were’n’t us; we di’n’t do nowt. It were Kirby. 'E were were just payin' us to use our caravan to keep the girl in, that’s all!
.P.C. ANTROBUS In the eyes o’ the law, that makes yer accessories, an’ as such I mus’ remind yer that anythin’ yer say will be taken down an’ used in evidence against yer!
(GILES staggers on, bleeding severely from a cut in his shoulder.)
GILES It was Kirby....He got away....I’m sorry, April... He got away.....(He collapses.)
OLIVE Bring ‘im over ‘ere. (GILES is carried into 'The Swan’) ‘E’ll soon mend
ENID Oh, the poor lad
P.C. ANTROBUS All right, everybody- It’s all over....Stand back.! There ‘a nowt t ‘see.
NELLIE: Well I never.....A right t’do that were-...It’s a long time since we ‘ve seen anythin’ like that in this village!
(ENTER VICAR and MELANIE from ‘The Swan’)
ENID (Indicating MELANIE) I say,Vicar -‘oo on Earth is that?-She don’t ‘alf look posh!
VICAR: Oh, just a local girl who made good. No doubt you will become well acquainted with her over the next few weeks.
(ENTER BARNEY LANE with newspapers.)
BARNEY: Papers.....Papers.!......All the news!....All the latest!
.....Read all about it!.......Read all about it!
ALL (SONG) : Read all about it- it 's all in the paper,
If it’s happened you’ll find it inside.
It may be of interest, it may be a caper,
Read all about it, then you can decide.
3RD VILLAGER It’s in the news what the envoy said, when he returned from his travels abroad.
4TH VILLAGER It’s in the news that the P.M’s in bed, and he’s feeling exceedingly bored.
ALL:Read all about it, it’s all in the paper,
If it’s happened, you’ll find it inside.
It may be of interest , it may be a caper-
Read. all about it, then you can decide.
5TH. VILLAGER It’s in the news that dole drawers are moaning, that they’re still not getting enough dole.
6TH. VILLAGER: It’s in the news, the cost of telephoning, from here right up to the North Pole.
ALL: Read all about it, it’s all in the paper,
If it ‘s happened , you ‘ll find it inside.
It may be of interest, it may be a caper,
Read all about it, then you can decide.
7TH VILLAGER It ‘s in the news , our weather forecast is sunny, but on the south coast there ‘ll be a few showers.
8TH. VILLAGER: It’s in the news that there ‘s a shortage of honey, owing to a shortage of flowers.
ALL Read all about it, it’s all in the paper,
If it’s happened, you’ll find it inside.
It may be of interest , it may be a caper,
Read all about it then you can decide.
9TH VILLAGER : It’s in the news, Lord Bertram’s a cheat and a liar,
And he ‘s been fraudulently using the public!
(Hushed silence)
.3RD VILLAGER Where is it?
4TH VILLAGER What does it say?
ENID The paper says ‘is lordship ‘as bin inventin’ stories about ‘is ‘ouse’s ‘istory.....an’ things like that.
OLIVE Well what’s wrong wi’ that? Your politicians in parliament are always makin’ up stories!
4TH VILLAGER: But fancy tellin’ tales, jus’ to make folks visit ‘is 'ouse!
OLIVE Nowt wrong wi’ that.
1ST. VILLAGER: But it i'n’ t right— Deceivin’ folks like that.
MOLLY: ‘E ‘s a public menace!
ENID: Aye, ‘e is. It says so ‘ere.
OLIVE: Rubbish!
2ND. VILLAGER Maybe- but there must be somethin' in it if it says so 'ere.
OLIVE ‘Ow can folks be so narrow-minded: A public menace ,eh? I suppose a public menace ‘d go an’ get ‘imselfbankrupt on account of us villagers , would 'e? See in’ as there’s so many clever pants ‘oo know it all, I don’t suppose one of you’d be so kind as t’ tell me why ‘is lordship ‘ad t’risk’is reputation an’ suffer all this shame?
(ENTER LORD AND LADY BERTRAM)
BARNEY Quit yer gassin’- ‘Ere comes ‘is lordship now
ENID Lady Bertram an’ all.They ‘ve come for the meetin’.
(The VILLAGERS cheer.)
LORD B Thank you all very much. It is a long time since Lady Bertrand myself have experienced such a warm welcome.
BARNEY Get a box for ‘is lordship!
( A wooden box is brought across and LORD B stands on it.)
VICAR: Friends and fellow inhabitants of Mosshoughton, I am honoured to welcome Lord and Lady Bertram here today, to discuss certain matters of the utmost importance, relating to the future of this village...............our village. So without further ado, I give you Lord Bertram.
(Cheers)
LORD B I would like to open the meeting by clearing up several points about a certain newspaper article which appeared in today’s ‘Daily Globe’.The article refers to our supposed ill-treatment of the public and of general activity against the public interest. Several ridiculous and exaggerated examples are quoted.....I feel I should clarify the position of myself and my family in this matter— Certainly we are guilty of committing several human errors, but never for one moment did we attempt to mislead the public with intent....The article expresses a gross distortion of the facts.Consequently then, ladies and gentlemen, if anyone should be accused of performing an act contrary to the public interest, it should be the writer of this article,
(Tumultuous cheers.)
: Unfortunately, as a consequence of this ridiculous and outrageous newspaper exposé, the public is almost certain to avoid visiting Bertram Towers I hardly need to tell you, that this means that we are deprived of our only source of income. This, along with certain other disasters that have occurred recently, makes our financial position rather precarious, to say the least. This brings us,therefore, to the crucial question. How do we get enough money to re-open the factory where most of you work and to maintain Bertram Towers.? Has anyone got anything to say on this subject?
3RD VILLAGER Lord Bertram- See in’ as people won't be goin' to the 'ouse no more, can’t we think of somethin’ unusualto attract ‘em there?
LORD B An interesting suggestion.
1ST. VILLAGER: What about banquets like they used to ‘ave in olden days? Y’could get the public t’pay money t’come t’yer ‘ome dressed in costumes like them as was worn in them days, an’ eat the same kind of food— Wi’ ox-roasts, an’ that sort o’ thing.
NELLIE Aye- an’ us villagers could cook all the food, an’ provide entertainment.....
1ST VILLAGERS:....Like jesters....
BARNEY An’ minstrels- Cor, I can jus’ see me now- "Wi’ a hey—ho an’ a nonny nonny no."
LORD B The idea certainly appeals to me... .but again we have the problem of initial expense and the lack of sufficient catering facilities which would take a while to install...
ENID: Couldn’t we just ‘ave entertainment wi’out all the fancy food then- That won ‘n ‘t cost owt?
OLIVE Aye- We can all sing with our mouths an’ dance with our feet. We don’t need much more than that!
LORD B: A truly excellent idea! We could present outdoor performances. They would be an attraction in themselves! I am sure we could all do our little bit to help.
MELANIE : Your Grace, I am a professional singer and dancer. I would be perfectly willing to produce and direct the show, especially if it means that it could save the village.
LORD B: That ‘s fine- Then we’ll have a show,
Let’s have a show....Let’s have a show!
It’s the beat idea that I know.
We’ll advertise wide and near,
And let everybody hear,
That we ‘re going to have a show.
ALL ( SONG): We ‘ll have a show, let ‘s have a show!
It ‘s the best idea that we know.
We ‘ll sing and we ‘ll dance,
We’ll bring charm, we’ll bring romance,
To everyone who comes to our show.
1ST. VILLAGER There’ll be colour, there’ll be splendour...
2ND. VILLAGER Beautiful melodies we ‘ll render...
3RD VILLAGER And we'll sing in harmony.
4TH. VILLAGER We will dance in twos and threes
ALL And we hope our show will please,
And. they all will like our show.
We’ll have a show,let’s have a show!
It’s the best idea that we know.
We’ll sing and we’ll dance,
We ‘ll bring charm , we ‘ll bring romance,
To everyone who comes to our show.
MELANIE Let us start tomorrow at eight
LORD B: If we work together we can save the estate....
MELANIE and LORD B Come tomorrow, don ‘t be late!
GILES Who will help me build a stage?
ALL Open air, for they're the rage
And cheap to make at any rate.
We ‘ll have a show, let ‘s have a show!
It’s the best idea that we know.
We’ll sing and we’ll dance,
We‘ll bring charm, we'll bring romance,
To everyone who comes to our show.
(Curtain)
©Andrew McCann