HEIRLOOM
By Andrew McCann
ACT TWO : SCENE TWO
The Banqueting Hall, Bertram Towers
(ARTHUR BLYTHE and FRED , a youth of about eighteen, are up a ladder repairing the roof in the background.VILLAGERS, with the help of MELANIE, are rehearsing and just finishing a song.)
.ALL We ‘ll have a show, let's have a show.’
It’s the best idea that we know.
We’ll sing and we’ll dance,
We ‘11 bring charm, we ‘ll bring romance,
To everyone who comes to our show.
MELANIE Splendid-splendid, a most heart-warming effort from you all, my darlings....Still, I think one or two sets of vocal chords could flutter a little more......We all have the apparatus, let’s try and make the best use of it. I know some of us are not quite as richly endowed as others, but even a croak can add a little original something to an ensemble—Let’s all try and remember that next time. .. .With that thought in mind, I think we may call an end to today’s rehearsals. Thank you all very much for coming along.
(EXIT VILLAGERS in groups, a few at a time)
BARNEY (Impersonating a frog) Croak, croak, croak, croak— Credit where credit’s due, that’s what I always say....croak,croak.
1ST. VILLAGER: Don’t be silly, Barney Lane. Can’t yer take anythin’ seriously?
BARNEY I take me croakin’ very seriously, if yer don’t mind! Leader of the lily-pond choir, that’s me. (EXIT both.)
NELLIE: Eee, I enjoyed that , lass! There ‘s nowt like a good ol’ English sing song t’bring folk t’gether like!
ALMA Aye- A good ol’ English sing song’s all right , but that were more like Sat ‘day night at the cow-shed, if y ‘ask me .
(EXIT both)
ENID: Miss Lake?
MELANIE: Yes, Enid, old dear.What’s worrying you?
ENID Well, I were wonderin’ about this ‘ere actin’ lark.
MELANIE Yes, and what about it?
ENID Well it won’t be, will it?
MELANIE Won ‘t be what, my darling?
ENID Actin’ like- Well it won’t be actin’....The vicar,’e’a playin’ a vicar. Lord Bertram,’e’s playin’ a Lord- Not t’mention us ol’ folk.....Well ‘oo’s goin’ t’do the actin’,like?
MELANIE But you will be acting, dearie- You and everyone on that stage.
ENID Seems to me it’s wrong t’pretend t’be yourself an’ get people t’ pay good money thinkin’ as they’ll see yer actin’!
MELANIE: It ‘s still actin’, dearie . The bard once said, "All the world’s a stage, the men and women merely players".
ENID This bard. Where's 'e live? Manchester? They've got some funny ideas them what live in big cities!
MELANIE It doesn't matter where he lives; what matters is the meaning behind what he said. His words suggest that your audience will come to see people, not flesh and blood puppets. They will expect to see English country folk as they really are.... The simplicity of their rustic life....Their undying culture... The timelessness of their community! It will be a breath of fresh air to them after the "cardboard cut-out world" of the silver screen where everyone's pretending to be something they're not!
ENID: I’ll believe yer...Not that I don’t think it’s wrong, mind!
(EXIT ENID. ENTER LORD B and LADY B. who approach MELANIE)
LORD B My wife and I have hardly had time to express our gratitude for all you are doing for us, Miss Lake.
LADY B If there is anything we can do in return?
MELANIE Oh, no...no....Please . ....Just being here is sufficient reward in itself. For a long time I've felt pressurised by those around me; agents, studio bosses, movie moguls, producers, all wanting to make me do what they want me to do . For the first time in a long time I feel free- and it’s worth a lot to feel like that. It's the way I used to feel when I lived here as a little girl and heard the gentle whisper of the wind rippling through the trees.
(SONG) I like to be free, like the wind through the trees,
Happy to be as free as I please,
To whistle and sing when it pleases me most,
Like a bird on the wing that has freedom to boast.
For nothing’s as sacred as freedom to be,
Like a fish that is tossed by a wave on the sea,
To go where it goes, not a care in the world,
To flow where it flows, wherever it’s hurled.
I like to be free, like the wind through the trees,
Happy to be as free as I please.
To whistle and sing when it pleases me most,
Like a bird on the wing that has freedom to boast.
LORD B I think we both understand your meaning perfectly, don ‘t we m’dear?
LADY B Yes, I think so.
MELANIE: Well , goodbye to you both.
LORD and LADY B Goodbye, Miss Lake.
(EXIT MELANIE)
(ENTER P.C. ANTROBUS, to the consternation of ARTHUR and FRED, who quickly come down the ladder and make a rapid retreat.)
ARTHUR Well, that’s it. Me an’ Fred ‘ad better be gettin’ on our way if we wants t’get started on the outside roof termorra, so tarrah fer now, Duchess!
(EXIT ARTHUR, FRED)
PC ANTROBUS: Two right shifty lookin’ customers, if yer want my ‘onest opinion.
LADY B You can say that again, Constable!
LORD B: And what brings the Constabulary here?
P.C.ANTROBUS Me bike- an' I've come 'ere t'warn yer graces t'keep on the look out for a nasty piece of work 'oo goes by the name of Tom Kirby!
LADY B: Then they’ve not caught the man yet?
P.C. ANTROBUS Not yet, yer ladyship.A right slippery customer 'e's turning out to be!‘Appen they’ve sent an ‘ole squad from up the valley t’elp out, but they ‘aven’t found ‘im yet!
LADY B Is it possible that he may have fled clear of the area?
PC ANTROBUS It's hardly likely, yer ladyship, seein’ as they’ve ‘ad all the roads in the area blocked off. Unless 'e's a fair mountaineer 'e'll be trapped like a rat in a bucket. Now about this victim of 'is, where is the young lady in question, may I ask?
LORD B April was outside helping Giles to build the stage for our show- If you would like to follow us ,Constable.......
PC ANTROBUS : You lead the way, yer graces.
(Exeunt)
(ENTER APRIL, playing hide-and-seek. She hides behind the tapestry screen.
ENTER GILES looking for APRIL. He finds her.)
GILES Found you!
APRIL Now it’s my turn to outsmart you.
GILES You’ll have a job.I know every nook and cranny in this place!
APRIL: We ‘ll see who ‘s smart... .
(Covers her eyes with her hands.
EXIT GILES on tip-toe. Stage right.)
...one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven....
(ENTER TOM KIRBY , stage left. He creeps towards APRIL, who still has her eyes covered.)
APRIL.....twelve....thirteen......You’d better make a little less noise than that, Giles, or I’ll soon find you.....fourteen.... fifteen...... .sixteen. . . . . .seventeen... . .eighteen......nineteen.. . . .twenty!
(APRIL opens her eyes and is devastated to see TOM KIRBY)
.Tom Kirby!
(TOM KIRBY puts his hand over her mouth and holds a knife to her throat)
TOM Don’t scream girl!......Now let me tell you a thing or two.... Tom don’t go for little girls ‘oo tell. tales. If she thinks she's goin’ t ‘open ‘er mouth an’ shout for ‘elp at the first opportunity, then Tom’s goin’ t’ slit ‘er pretty little throat....Understand? ...... There, she understands, i’n’t that nice?
APRIL (Nervously) What.....what do you want with me? I've done you no harm.
TOM KIRBY : It i’n’t fer little girls t’ask questions.Your dear friend is goin’ t ‘come in ‘ere , an’ when ‘e does , we ‘re goin ‘ t ‘give im a surprise, aren’t we?
GILES(Off-stage) Have you given up yet, April?
TOM KIRBY Do I ‘ear ‘is dainty royal footsteps now?
(ENTER GILES)
GILES Kirby!
TOM KIRBY Well,if it i’n’t Sir Galahad ‘imself.....
GILES What are you doing here, Kirby?
TOM KIRBY Sire to you, my lord.
GILES What is it you want? Is it money you want?
TOM KIRBY I’n’t that nice? Tom Kirby respects niceness....Tom Kirby’ll let nice people be tied up, so as they won’t squeal when ‘e’s gone. (He gives APRIL a piece of rope, whilst holding a knife to her back).....Now Princess-. tie 'im up, an’ remember— one slip,an’ this knife 'll see yer innards....Tighter....... That’s more like it...That’s more like it....That’s much better....and ‘is ankles! ....Nice an’ tight............. That’s it, jus’ as the King asked fer it t’be done.
GILES Let her go now, Kirby....I can’t do anything...You’ve nothing to fear from me now.
TOM KIRBY I ‘ve nowt t ‘fear. ‘Ow right y ‘are , Sonny Boy.... ‘Ow right y ‘are! Yer can jus’ sit back an’ watch Tom Kirby finish ‘is b’isness!
GILES (Nervous and uncertain) What do you mean? You’ve got everything you want haven’t you?
TOM KIRBY : Do yer think Tom Kirby’ d put himself to all this trouble for nothing!
GILES: What is it, Kirby? What do you want? Why won’t you let April go?
TOM KIRBY Tom Kirby’s smart,Tom Kirby is- Tom Kirby came ‘ere t’finish ‘is b’isness.Yer know what Tom Kirby’s goin’ t’do? ‘E’s goin’ t’ execute the Princess before ‘er Prince's’eyes.....
GILES : No. . . . . .no. . ... . .no. .
TOM KIRBY An’ then ‘e’s goin’ t’ kill ‘er little Prince.
APRIL: You revolting pig!...You wouldn’t.! You couldn’t!
TOM KIRBY Oh no? We'll soon see about that!
(TOM is about to kill a struggling APRIL)
GILES No, kill me but not April.....I beg of you...Not April
TOM KIRBY I ‘ope yer watchin’, Prince Charmin’, I ‘ope yer watchin’.!
(The roof that has been repaired caves in, bringing down a wooden beam on a pivot, plaster and brick. TOM KIRBY is knocked unconscious. APRIL picks up the knife.)
GILES: Quick, April- the knife!
APRIL It’s all right, Giles....He’s unconscious....It’s all right.
(ENTER LORD and LADY B, led by P.C. ANTROBUS)
P.C. ANTROBUS: ‘Ello, ‘ello.What ‘s all the row about?
LADY B Giles- what on earth have you been::playing at!
GILES Oh, nothing, mother. ... .nothing!
(Curtain)