ACT TWO :

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HEIRLOOM

By Andrew McCann

ACT TWO: SCENE THREE

The Open Air Theatre in the grounds of Bertram Towers

(The theatre consists of a simple stage, with seats already arranged for the audience.)

Photograph of Open Air Theatre

(ENTER VILLAGERS a few at a time.

ENTER LORD and LADY B, closely followed by MELANIE.)

MELANIE Ah, there you are, my darlings.

LADY B Miss Lake.

LORD B: And how is the advertising campaign going, Miss Lake?

MELANIE Oh, very well indeed, your grace. I think I can say without too much exaggeration that you would be hard pushed to find anyone in England who does not know about the show.We’ ll have a good audience, there is no doubt about that.......

(ENTER VILLAGERS)

All right, everyone....May I have your attention?

.The audience will shortly be arriving. We have much to do. It would therefore be advisable for you to change without further ado. Remember,we have an obligation to our audience- an obligation to give them our best, so let’s give it- beginning with the way we conduct ourselves backstage and following this up with the quality of our performance.

1ST. VILLAGER Where do we change, Miss Lake?

MELANIE The ladies change through there.. . . (Indicating stage right). . .The gentlemen through there....(Indicating stage left)........

...and the aristocracy down below.

(Exit VILLAGERS)

LORD B Well, Miss Lake- Our great moment is almost upon us.

MELANIE Indeed it is, your grace.

LORD B A day of destiny for the Bertrams.

LADY B And, of course, for the village.

MELANIE We have everything to fight for. Now let's give it all we've got!.

(Exeunt)

(ENTER MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE, some conversing as they move to their seats.)

1ST MEMBER OF AUDIENCE So - the Bertram Towers Revue Company, eh?

2ND MEMBER Sounds like a ridiculous enterprise to me, but who am I to question the eccentricities of the aristocracy?

3RD MEMBER Oh, I don't know about that! Makes a change from the usual West End first nights and "luvvies" conventions.

2ND MEMBER I suppose it does, really.

4TH. MEMBER "So", says the editor,"dash up North and get us a story"-So here I am.Otherwise I wouldn’t be seen dead in this cultural backwater.

5TH MEMBER Likewise with me. There I was twiddling my thumbs at Fleet Street, waiting for a big scoop- big scoop, I ask you? Next thing I know, here I am.

6TH MEMBER: Here today, Drury Lane tomorrow. That ‘s the story of my life.Who’d be a theatre critic?

7TH MEMBER: Who indeed?

6TH MEMBER I don’t know if you’ve noticed— The whole gang’s here- There’s Clara Fitzgerald from the ‘Daily Globe’...

7TH MEMBER And that lot from 'The Gazette.'

6TH MEMBER Quite a high profile gathering. Unusual for the provinces.

7TH MEMBER If they're going to make a "big story" out of it, we'd be wise to follow suit.

6TH MEMBER Point taken!

(ENTER A DISTINGUISHED LOOKING GENTLEMAN in his mid-fifties.)

7TH MEMBER Quite a sophisticated audience, for a place like this.

6TH MEMBER It'll have to be a good show to satisfy the appetites of this lot!

(‘A BIT OF OLD ENGLAND’. A Revue. Performed by ‘THE BERTRAM TOWERS REVUE COMPANY’ in the Open Air Theatre, BERTRAM TOWERS.)

(The curtains open as a trumpet fanfare heralds the beginning of the song, ‘A Bit of Old England,' to the tune of , ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ ALL VILLAGERS participate in this, individual members stepping forward as they are referred to in the song.)

We bring you a bit of old England,

Frcm the heart of a Saxon demain,

We bring you melodious voices,

To haunt you with tuneful refrain.

We bring you the people of England

The folk who make up this land.

We bring you the country yokel,

The vicar and the sturdy farm-hand.

We bring you the core of our culture,

All that makes England "tick!"

From a stately home full of sculptures,

To a farm house of mortar and brick.

We bring you the Lord of the Manor,

His servants and family too.

All those who carry the banner,

People like us and like you.

(The next verse is an introduction to the first "act"— LORD BERTRAM, dressed in a clumsy imitation of a suit of armour,with a sword in his hand, staggers forward.)

We bring you the Lord with noble sword,

The hero of centuries past..

We bring you the knight, eager to fight,

To defend his walls to the last.

(LORD B (SONG) - ‘I’M A KN IGHT’ Tune: ‘British Grenadiers’)

LORD B: I’m not a day, I am a knight,

In the way that I do fight.

That is to say, with cause I might,

I may if it is right.

I fight to kill, I might as well

To fight to kill, a knight does well.

All right it’s hell, don’t ring the bell,

If you fight to kill,then write a will.

I’m a Lord who warrants sentiment,

To save his people from banishment-

To save his people from banishment,

And fight for glory on the battlements.

So now you know I am a knight,

Mind how you go if I’m in sight,

When you ‘re a foe, for I ‘ve the right,

To deal you a blow in a deadly fight.

(CHORUS of main theme tune resumes, as STUBBINGS , in his butler's attire steps forward.)

ALL(CHORUS) Let us bring you the devoted servant,

The aristocrat’s butler.

Let us bring you the devoted servant,

For wit there’s none subtler.

(SONG- ‘WHAT THE BUTLER SAW’ - Tune- "Twas My Delight’.)

STUBBINGS I’ll let you into a secret, I’ll tell you what I’ve done,

I’ve had a special key-hole cut and it’s ever so much fun.

It’s big enough to see four walls, that’s as far as the eye can see

So I know who’s making telephone calls and who is on the settee.

ALL So he knows who’s making telephone calls,

And who is on the settee.

STUBBINGS On Wednesdays I saw Nora, the Queen of the May,

Sitting on the sofa, in a tempting way,

Looking out o’ the window was waiting for the day,

When she’d be free to find a knee, in the merry month of May.

ALL When she ‘d be free to find a knee, in the merry month of May.

STIJBBINGS: I cut it in the Autumn,

It was there all winter too,

And my eye it readily sought ‘em,

To see what they would do

And as I bent there watching, I saw things terribly queer,

Oh, ‘twas my delight on a foggy night ,when no-one else was near.

ALL: Oh, ‘twas his delight on a foggy night, when no-one else was near.

(ALL CHORUS tune ,as OLD LADIES step forward.)

ALL (CHORUS): Let us bring you the old folks of England,

They with long stories to tell.

Let us bring you the old folks of England,

They who have served so well.

SONG- ‘WE’ RE OLD GIRLS NOW’ - Tune: ‘Grandfather Clock’)

OLD LADIES: We’re old gals now, but we ‘re young at heart,

And we may be without a lot.

We may be old and ready for the cart,

But we still have to give quite a lot.

1ST OLD LADY I can sing as sweetly as ever I could,

Not that I could sing sweetly-

My dancing is dainty, my timing is good,

But when it comes to speed, you’ll beat me.

OLD LADIES: We ‘re old gals now, but we’re young at heart,

And we may be without a lot.

We may be old and ready for the cart,

But we still have to give quite a lot.

2ND OLD LADY: Men don ‘t like me , as when I was young,

But my feelings for them haven’t changed.

As long as love ‘s song is still to be sung,

I’ll sing it and not feel ashamed.

OLD LADIES: We ‘re old gals now, but we ‘re young at heart,

And we may be without a lot

We may be old and ready for the cart,

But we still have to give quite a lot.

(ALL sing the following,as the VICAR steps forward.)

ALL (CHORUS) Let us bring you the village vicar,

Your morals he will defend

Let us bring you the village vicar,

He who is good to the end..

(SONG- ‘I AM A REVEREND GENTLEMAN’- Tune- ‘Vicar of Bray.’)

VICAR: I am a reverend gentleman,

Your vicar I’ll do all I can.

As a white-collar worker I am glad,

To work in the church hall at St. Chad’s.

I teach of the Lord, I preach his word,

And people come to worship

But many’s the time I need to care,

When thinking of their welfare.

But I’ll be with you every day,

In sadness and in fun,

I‘m only a reverend gentleman,

In my parish of Mosshoughton.

(SEVERAL VILLAGERS walk out into stage audience with collection plates.)

VICAR If no-one was guilty of sin,

Then in my job I could not win.

There ‘d be no livelihood for me,

If only good deeds I did see.

And so my friends it’s very clear,

That those bad souls we find here

Are only helping me to win,

For I am living off their sin.

But I’ll be with you every day,

In sadness or in fun

I'm only a reverend gentleman,

In my parish of Mosshoughton.

He’s only a reverend gentleman,

In his parish of Mosshoughton.

(FINALE of ‘A Bit of Old England' Tune: ‘Land of Hope and Glory’.)

ALL We ‘ve brought you a bit of old England,

From the heart of a Saxon demain.

We’ve brought you melodious voices,

To haunt you with tuneful refrain

We’ve brought you the people of England, The folk who make up this land,

We ‘ve brought you the country yokel, The vicar and the sturdy farm hand.

We’ve brought you the core of our culture,

All that makes England "tick"

From a stately home full of sculptures,

To a farmhouse of mortar and brick.

We’ve brought you a bit of old England,

Prom the heart of a Saxon demain.

We’ve brought you a bit of old England,

You’ ll remember again and again.

We’ve brought you a bit of old England,

You’ll remember again and again.

(CURTAIN on stage theatre close. AUDIENCE departs, except for DISTINGUISHED LOOKING MAN.)

.(ENTER VILLAGERS, MELANIE, LORD and LADY B, VICAR.)

BARNEY: A fine load of old cobblers that were, if y’ask me.

MELANIE I’m sorry, my darlings. You have been performing to an audience of professional theatre critics. Some of the most notorious in the country. They didn’t come to enjoy themselves. They came to witness a theatrical disaster. I blame myself for that. I introduced you to an unsatisfactory audience, though I am glad to say that your performance succeeded in giving their grotesque appetites little food to digest.

(The DISTINGUISHED LOOKING MAN approaches LORD BERTRAM)

DISTINGUISHED LOOKING MAN Lord Bertram?

LORD B Yes?

DISTINGUISHED LOOKING GENTLEMAN Do you think you could possibly spare a moment of your valuable time?

LORD B Yes , indeed. Now what do you wish to speak to me about?

(The DISTINGUISHED LOOKING GENTLEMAN leads LORD B to one side and they have a private conversation.)

GILES: For a first perforinance, I don't think it went too badly at all

APRIL Oh, look at modesty.

GILES Come off it, April— Credit where credit’s due.

APRIL Who to?....You?

GILES: No , not at all- Everybody was marvellous- Olive Parker was marvellous. Stubbings was marvellous.. and above all.....

APRIL: Don ‘t tell me; you were marvellous?

GILES : No- . . .You were marvellous; the most marvellous creature that ever graced a stage.

APRIL: Flattery will get you nowhere.

GILES: Nowhere,eh?.....(Kisses her.)

LORD B: Ladies and gentlemen-

(ALL turn and listen to LORD B. with the DISTINGUISHED LOOKING GENTLEMAN standing by his side.)

LORD B I would like to introduce you all to Mr. Richard Heywood-Jones, a Radio Producer, who has rather an interesting proposition to put to you all....Mr. Heywood-Jones

DISTINGUISHED LOOKING GENTLEMAN Thank you, Lord Bertram. As you have just been informed, my business is to produce programmes on the wireless. It gives me great pleasure to offer the Bertram Towers Revue Company a series of wireless programmes, to be broadcast live, twice a week...Without a shadow of a doubt I am sure that it will captivate the English listening public in the same way that your performance has enthralled me this afternoon. It will prove to be the broadcasting sensation of the decade. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask aimply, that you will allow me the privilege of letting ‘A Bit of Old England’ be heard twice a week in every home in England- that it may be shared and appreciated by all!

LORD B: I realise, of course, that I would be a very selfish man not to allow every Englishman the opportunity to share my village and its people with me. I also realise something else— The commercial value of such a venture. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Heywood-Jones and myself have come to an adequate financial arrangement.....in a few simple words.....the factory will open again first thing on Monday morning!

(Jubilant cheers.)

LORD B: . . . Again I must thank you all for the wonderful job you have done in saving Bertram Towers, my family and our village from tragedy at a time of such crisis.

(STUBBINGS ENTERS, at a signal from LORD B, with glasses of Champagne on a tray. They are passed round.)

To express the gratitude of myself and my family, I would like you all to join us in a toast- A toast to the village that our fathers gave to us for our heirloom....

Our heirloom~

ALL Heirloom~

ALL The village that our fathers gave to us,

The village that means such a lot to us.

It’s just a family heirloom,

Just a family heirloom,

Heirloom, heirloom -and it means such a lot to us.

The world we would travel far and wide,

Over mountains and the sea.

The world we would travel far and wide,

But our hearts would not agree.

For there ‘s no place in the world,